All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
