My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
