Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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