I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
