Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
