I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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