i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
