I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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