Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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