k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
pop tarts are not kleenex
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
