why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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