somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
