Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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