Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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