Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
