cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
