put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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