i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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