i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
