So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
