I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
