please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
