Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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