OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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