I have demons in me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
