the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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