Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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