im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
