I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
