New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
