Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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