I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
