Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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