And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
