i can't believe i had my finger in that
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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