Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
