the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
