Just took my morning after pill in the library
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
