so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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