I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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