she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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