why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
