This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
