fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He did a backflip because drugs
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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