my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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