Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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