The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
