3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm both gender and math confused
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
