Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
