I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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