Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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