if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
